He Gave Me His Heart—The Heart of God I'd Refused to Take

“Perfect love casts out fear.”
1 John 4:18

Faith does not get Isaiah to say, “I’m willing, send me.”

Faith is not enough for Jesus to pray, “not My will but Your will be done.”

“Faith over fear” is catchy to say, but faith does not overcome fear—love does.

Faith gives salvation.
Love brings transformation.

Many of us are stuck between faith and love.
We have just enough faith to believe, not enough love to surrender.

You might or might not be surprised—those whom God wants to use the most run away from Him the most.

It’s like they know—not exactly what God wants to use them for, but what accepting His offer means.

It’s the meaning that terrifies them.

In 2023, a week after I was baptized in water, the Lord woke me up in the middle of the night and revealed to me my calling—not what it is, but what it means.

I refused Him.
And after that, consistently, I refused Him.

Like Jonah, my refusal shipwrecked my life.
To survive, I repented, I clung onto Him, and I was delivered.
But still, I was not willing. I obeyed Him, grudgingly.

I never understood why people pray, “Lord, use me,” or why pastors encourage people by teaching them how God prepares us to be used by Him.

I didn’t want Him to use me at all.

I wanted to use Him.

In this article:

• Chosen ones don’t die—they germinate
• I wanted to be a lukewarm Christian
• A dream that came to me on March 4th changed me
• It’s painful to love, even remotely, like Him

Chosen ones don’t die—they germinate

This will sound entitled—but the reason I never, ever, prayed for the Lord to use me was because I knew He wanted to.

I'd known since I was a little child, growing in favor with men and God (Luke 2:52), but knew little about Christianity—not even culturally, let alone this verse, many are called, few are chosen—when I didn't even know what “chosen” means—

Yet I'd known I was chosen.

Chosen for what? No clue.

I still don’t know exactly. But I know what it means.

I suspect God withheld the full picture—so He could lure me in, piece by piece.

No one chosen wants to be chosen.

Moses gave God five excuses and eventually irritated Him. Jeremiah said he was too young.

But every one chosen eventually fulfilled their destiny. Why? Because heavens fight day and night to guarantee that.

No matter how many people perceived your “chosen-ness” and intended to bury you—they only ended up realizing you don’t die, you germinate.

You witness these words fulfilled in your life over and over again—

“Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” Matthew 18:18

“I will bless those who bless you and curse he who curses you.” Genesis 12:3

“No weapon formed against you shall prosper; every tongue rises against you in judgment you shall condemn—this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord.” Isaiah 54:17

I wanted to be a lukewarm Christian

I had good reasons to refuse God.

I take pleasure in criticizing lukewarm Christians because I wanted to be one. I wanted to live like the Bible isn't serious word for word and still go to heaven—if these people do end up going to heaven, if the Lord doesn't “spit them out.” (Revelation 3:15-16)

But I have no gifts in lukewarmness—not in any form or way or area.

I don’t know how to have part-time faith. I don’t know how to take a break from God.

I love Him every second, and every second of my life, I’m sensitive to His presence. Whenever I don’t feel Him—yes, they comfort you that He is with you even if you don’t feel Him—I’m anxious. I feel like drowning, in the mundaneness, in this world that is bustling around nothingness and indulged in delusions and falsehoods.

You think you can fit in to lukewarm churches, to worldly events, you can’t. You are there, yet you are gone. You might even be the shiniest star, the smartest person in the room—yet you’re not there.